Zen sarcasm

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of
me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me alone.


02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
leaky tire.


03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.


04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.


05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.


06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.


07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.


08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you
have their shoes.


09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.


10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.


11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably a wise investment.


12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.


13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.


16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.


17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.


18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.


19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.


20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.


21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.


AND


22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night.